When one or both partners are autistic, traditional “rules” around romance, sex, and communication may not apply, and that’s okay. Whether it’s sensory differences, different social cues, or the need for explicit consent, understanding how autism shapes your partner’s experience is key to building a fulfilling connection. This isn’t about “fixing” anyone; it’s about creating a relationship that honors both people’s needs. Here’s how to foster intimacy that works for both of you, because love shouldn’t require masking.
Scheduling intimacy.
For some neurodivergent people, it’s hard to get in the headspace to be intimate with a quick turnaround. Scheduling time for sex allows people the time to switch tasks, and can allow for a longer foreplay session if that is something your partner needs.
Adapting to sensory needs.
What feels pleasurable to one person might overwhelm another, like with certain textures, sounds, or scents. That’s why open conversations about sensory preferences are key to having a good time for all. A way to help could be using unscented, non-sticky lube. Another way could be through sensory deprivation, such as blindfolds or noise-cancelling headphones to help with overstimulation (and it can heighten other sensations too!). In the end, there’s no 'right' way to connect, only what feels safe and good for you.
Communicate your needs before and during sex.
As we always say, communication and consent are always sexy, but it’s also a great way to connect with your partner(s) outside of engaging physically. Talk about your turn-ons, your turn-offs, and any safewords/gestures beforehand, and keep an eye on your partner’s body language and breathing patterns. Having a safeword or a gesture like tapping on your partner’s leg twice if you need to stop can help ensure comfort for everyone involved. That way, pleasure is safe AND adaptable for all the nervous systems in the room.
Set the room to be familiar and comfortable.
Introducing unfamiliar textures, sounds, or sensations during intimacy can hijack focus. New sheets, music on shuffle, or tight lingerie might seem fine at first, but quickly become unbearable once overstimulation kicks in. The neurodivergent brain can’t prioritize pleasure if it’s busy processing unfamiliar input, so controlling certain variables can help ensure a good time for all.
Invest in each other outside of the bedroom.
Sustaining an intimate relationship takes more than spontaneous desire and instant gratification. Real intimacy is about mutual investment. Taking the time to know what your partner(s) need and how their brain works will help both inside and outside of the bedroom.
At the end of the day, this isn’t about “fixing” anyone. It's about building trust, showing up with intention, and creating a space where no one has to mask, especially not in bed. And when it comes to your sexual health? That same energy applies. Our clinics offer neurodivergent-affirming STI testing, PrEP, and more. Because your pleasure deserves protection, and your care should feel just as good.
References
- Gallagher, T. (2024, May 14). How to Navigate Sex and ADHD. Modern Intimacy. https://www.modernintimacy.com/how-to-navigate-sex-and-adhd/
- Hay, MS, LPC-C, A. (n.d.). Sexuality and Neurodivergence. Soleil Psychotherapy. https://www.soleilpsychotherapy.com/blog/sexuality-and-neurodivergence
- Sexual Health Alliance. (2023, June 18). Understanding Neurodiversity and S-x. Sexual Health Alliance. https://sexualhealthalliance.com/nymphomedia-blog/understanding-neurodiversity-and-s-x
